012: The Beauty of Community as We Honor Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)
hello cara and welcome to the unplayemomshow
podcast how are you
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[kara]: good how are you doing
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[ashley_bush]: i'm doing a ride
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[kara]: thank you so much for having me
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[ashley_bush]: of course it's my pleasure i'm so
excited to see you again and just to
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[kara]: oh
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[ashley_bush]: have you here and chat with you
and talk talk to all things motherhood and
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[ashley_bush]: all the amazing ministry work that you
are up to so i just i love
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[ashley_bush]: to dive in and just find
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[kara]: oh
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[ashley_bush]: out where you're at if you're here
in the states tell us tell us where
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[ashley_bush]: you're at
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[kara]: i live in florida actually we are
north central florida so if you can keep
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[kara]: it up with any of the news
lately we're not near where the hurricane hit
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[kara]: think fully
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[ashley_bush]: es
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[kara]: we were spared thankfully from that bad
hurricane but north central florida kala in particular
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[ashley_bush]: okay very very nice florida is one
of my absolute favorite places to go to
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[ashley_bush]: you know
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[kara]: pretty nice
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[ashley_bush]: yeah i'm land locked so
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[kara]: yeah
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[ashley_bush]: i love to get down there and
be in florida and
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[kara]: yeah
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[ashley_bush]: enjoy the weather
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[kara]: oh
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[ashley_bush]: so you ll have warm
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[kara]: what
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[ashley_bush]: weather while we're starting to get our
cold nasty weather here in in missouri
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[kara]: yeah it's slowly starting to feel like
fall here now
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: so i'm thankful for that
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[ashley_bush]: well awesome well again i'm just super
excited that you're here and we only just
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[ashley_bush]: want to dive into your motherhood journey
so tell us i always try to ask
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[ashley_bush]: guests you know where you go unquote
trying to have a family where you surprised
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[ashley_bush]: tell us a little bit about how
your motherhood journey and how that all kicked
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[ashley_bush]: off for you and i apologize that's
my
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[kara]: a
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[ashley_bush]: dog growling at me
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[kara]: um
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: yes so actually my entire life i
wanted to be a mom like that that
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[kara]: was the goal yes i wanted to
have a career and end you know do
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[kara]: all those things that you're
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: supposed to do but really i always
wanted to be a mom like i loved
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[kara]: carrying around baby dolls
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and something i was little i love
taking care of them
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: love baby sitting children so
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: knew that
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[ashley_bush]: yes
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[kara]: whenever i got married i'd want to
start having a family like right away
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: so um
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: it's a funny funny story is that
i actually met my husband when we were
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[kara]: in element school
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: and he he was my third grade
crash even though we didn't start actually like
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[kara]: you know dating or anything like that
until we got into college and we got
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[kara]: married in two thousand thirteen
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and we knew we wanted to start
a family we were both from large families
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[kara]: we were both one of five child
and so we knew ventually we wanted to
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[kara]: have children kind of a larger family
maybe after that first year of marriage after
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[kara]: we got used to each other all
that but god had different plans
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and we actually got pregnant the night
of our wedding
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[ashley_bush]: okay wow yes
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[kara]: so that was that was a big
surprise literally a month later from october fifth
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[kara]: actually we just celebrated our ninth anniversary
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[ashley_bush]: oh
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[kara]: um and then a month later my
husband's birthday is november fifth and i got
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[kara]: to tell him hey you're going to
be
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[ashley_bush]: yes
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[kara]: a dad
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[ashley_bush]: i love it
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[ashley_bush]: so was that he was that the
start of your family you
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[kara]: so that was technically the start of
our family however that is the baby that
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[kara]: we ended up that ended up dying
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[ashley_bush]: i
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[kara]: and we lost you to late term
miscarriage
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: we we carried that child for a
little more than the first try messer so
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[kara]: uh three plus months
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and then we were told you know
no heart beat there you're going to lose
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[kara]: baby i knew in advance and
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: it was very difficult time for us
like we said we both were excited to
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[kara]: be parents but losing their first child
i was definitely really hard very difficult in
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[kara]: that first year of marriage as well
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[ashley_bush]: yes yes that is a lot so
okay happy anniversary by the way
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[kara]: yeah
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[ashley_bush]: i know i know time can do
wonders because i know we're laughing i know
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[ashley_bush]: we both have experience loss and when
you're on that end it's just it it's
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[ashley_bush]: got ridging i mean nothing can prepare
you for it
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[kara]: oh
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[ashley_bush]: because even though you were hoping to
wait i'm sure the anticipation the love the
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[ashley_bush]: excitement everything was there when you found
out that you were pregnant and you got
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[ashley_bush]: share that news with your husband so
yeah okay i want to go you have
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[ashley_bush]: kids now so you have
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[kara]: i would do
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[ashley_bush]: ah you've got two
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[kara]: yes
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[ashley_bush]: kids so we're going to go all
to the loss and we're going to talk
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[ashley_bush]: about things just because you know it's
it's such an important topic and it's one
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[ashley_bush]: that we don't spend enough time talking
on and i am really my dog is
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[ashley_bush]: just like
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[kara]: oh
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[ashley_bush]: standing here he's like a little kid
he knows that mom's the phone and he's
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[ashley_bush]: going to interrupt me now but
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[kara]: definitely
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[ashley_bush]: it's the dog he's fine he just
wants attention at the exact moment um so
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[ashley_bush]: sorry i'm losing my train of
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[kara]: yah
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[ashley_bush]: thought
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[kara]: we ended up it took us a
little while
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: but we ended up conceiving again and
since we've had three daughters
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: i have a seven year old and
a four year old and an eighteen month
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[kara]: old now
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[ashley_bush]: okay very good time
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[kara]: ye
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[ashley_bush]: okay so that is awesome my love
that you've got your family you've got the
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[ashley_bush]: kids so that that first loss i
know it really has stuck with you and
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[ashley_bush]: impacted you and motherhood so tell us
how did you kind of move past that
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[ashley_bush]: were you always fearful when you were
pregnant again i guess it's probably my next
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[ashley_bush]: question like were you super anxious when
you found out you were pregnant the second
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[ashley_bush]: and third time
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[kara]: definitely
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: actually it took quite some time to
conceive again about a year or so after
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[kara]: that initial loss i went through entire
journey there trying to make sure i was
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[kara]: healthy and trying to make sure i
was ready to go to conceive a baby
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[kara]: again and month after month and that
didn't happen then you know so it was
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[kara]: even more fearful then and then finally
when i just kind of gave it up
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[kara]: to god
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: and i was like you know if
you want me to have a baby then
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[kara]: i'll have a baby if not i'm
fine with that and then let
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: a month later we conceived our oldest
child and that entire pregnancy yes was full
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[kara]: of fear i always tell you know
the people i talked to the moms i
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[kara]: talked to miscarriage and still birth and
infant loss it really kind of robs you
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[kara]: of the innocence of pregnancy
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: um you're always you know wondering what's
going to happen you know every second ever
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[kara]: little twinge that you feel in your
belly um
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[ashley_bush]: yes
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[kara]: you know are you going to lose
that baby again
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: so
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: it's definitely each subsequent pregnancy there on
after had different bells and different you know
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[kara]: varying degrees of anxiety that kind of
came along with it
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[ashley_bush]: yeah same here i had a couple
miscarriages and my first was was a silent
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[ashley_bush]: miscarriage and so i had had my
oldest before then so i thought oh everything
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[ashley_bush]: be fine and lo and behold you
know i was pregnant and then my symptoms
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[ashley_bush]: started to go away and i thought
well i'm just starting to feel better you
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[ashley_bush]: know and then we would go to
the doctor's appointment and the baby had passed
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[ashley_bush]: away and it was just it was
a silent one so when i got you
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[ashley_bush]: know sub when i got pregnant later
my anxiety it was awful i mean yes
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[ashley_bush]: every little twinge that i mean every
little thing was just agonized over but and
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[ashley_bush]: you're exactly right it just robbed you
of the jewel of just being able to
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[ashley_bush]: be in the moment and enjoy that
pregnancy so as we're talking and really bringing
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[ashley_bush]: awareness to pregnancy and infant loss i
know that you've got your ministry and i
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[ashley_bush]: want to dive in and i want
to talk all about this but i think
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[ashley_bush]: it's important to because you know when
i didn't experience my miscarriage how do how
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[ashley_bush]: do you how do you how would
what would you tell somebody that's going through
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[ashley_bush]: this or you're listening and they want
to just be supportive to their friend would
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[ashley_bush]: you tell them like what could they
do for their friend and maybe we talk
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[ashley_bush]: about your ministry but
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[kara]: so
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[ashley_bush]: a
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[kara]: yeah really it's going to depend on
the person
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: every single person grieves differently right
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: so just being aware of how your
friend or family member is grieving some people
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[kara]: really want to talk to somebody they
really want to be open hey don't want
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[kara]: to be silent about it and then
there's the other side that where people don't
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[kara]: want to talk about it at all
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[ashley_bush]: he
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[kara]: in our society it's still kind of
very taboo
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: topic to talk about especially for those
women who choose not to announce their pregnancy
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: until you know at the end of
that first thin mester so there's people who
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[kara]: might not even know that they've miscarried
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: so
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: but just some general things that people
can do is i always say like give
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[kara]: cards for meals or bring them a
meal because when you are going through that
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[kara]: cooking is the last thing that you
want to do
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[ashley_bush]: he
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[kara]: right and so that's like kind of
easy something really easy to do and you
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[kara]: don't have to be near your friend
or family member to do that you can
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[kara]: send it in an email or a
text message you know it's easy to
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: do something that we do through our
ministry is that we send care packages for
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[kara]: you so
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: they're completely free you can go on
our to our website and request the care
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[kara]: package to be sent to your friend
or family member all i need a name
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[kara]: and a mailing address and then if
you'd like to include a special note or
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[kara]: something in there for them then you
can include that in the note section or
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[kara]: you can send it anonymously as well
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: have lots of different options there but
inside really it's just full of comforting items
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[kara]: and resources that kind of go with
that so it kind of takes the guests
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[kara]: work out you have no idea what
to do i don't know i don't know
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[kara]: how to talk about it will you
send them one of our care packages and
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[kara]: we kind of do that for you
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[ashley_bush]: which is which is awesome so i
was super excited when i learned about what
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[ashley_bush]: you were doing because it's so needed
because before i ever had my losses i
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[ashley_bush]: didn't know how to i didn't know
what to say and i would i would
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[ashley_bush]: work with people i was thinking about
this the other day you know worked with
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[ashley_bush]: somebody and she experienced a loss and
was just like it was just kind of
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[ashley_bush]: like the like a shell of a
person for a while i mean she was
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[ashley_bush]: really upset and processing it i couldn't
understand it's like it's just like anything in
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[ashley_bush]: life i mean until you really walk
in the shoes i mean you don't really
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[ashley_bush]: know but for those we want to
be supportive and just say hey we're thinking
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[ashley_bush]: of you i think those are all
such wonderful ideas and i'm going to have
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[ashley_bush]: all of your links in the website
you know in the show notes because what
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[ashley_bush]: you do is just awesome i just
i love it you know nothing nothing screams
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[ashley_bush]: love than more than i think getting
something in the mail and like pening it
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[ashley_bush]: up and seeing what it is and
then to find a care package that's for
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[ashley_bush]: you going through something that's unique and
you know tragic but can be i don't
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[ashley_bush]: want to use the word beautiful but
you know just experience an experience that we
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[ashley_bush]: have to walk through
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[kara]: filling
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[ashley_bush]: very very nice one question i had
when you were talking and this is kind
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[ashley_bush]: of going a little bit off script
but i'm just curious because i know when
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[ashley_bush]: i had my losses i didn't know
so the hospital where i have my baby
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[ashley_bush]: and we always had a little service
with other people that had miscarriages as well
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[ashley_bush]: and so i know where my babies
are the remains are in a grave now
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[ashley_bush]: with other babies and like we had
a service there and stuff so we've got
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[ashley_bush]: a place that we can go and
remember our children i'm curious so where what
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[ashley_bush]: do you what happened like what process
what did you do and how did you
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[ashley_bush]: mourn with you baby
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[kara]: so i definitely wish that was an
option for
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: us when we went through our experience
no one kind of prepared me for that
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[kara]: for
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: what happens when the baby comes out
or we do
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: some some women they you know go
through a d and c at a hospital
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: and they might not ever receive the
arenes
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: again which i would like to note
that you are able to request the remains
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: from any d n c and a
lot of women don't know that
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[ashley_bush]: hm good call out
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[kara]: if you miss carry at home naturally
a lot of times you know doctor midwife
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[kara]: and you're not going to say you
know tell you the things that you should
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[kara]: be thinking about like when the baby
comes out what would you like to do
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[kara]: with he or
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[ashley_bush]: yes
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[kara]: are you going to place them in
a special box and
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: bury them somewhere
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: are you going some some women put
their babies in a planted pot with a
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[ashley_bush]: oh
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[kara]: oath of plane
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: so if they move then they
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: can take that plant with them
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[ashley_bush]: love
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[kara]: some choose to take the remains to
a funeral home and they
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: will cremate the baby
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: no matter how small the baby is
that they can
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: cremate for you and oftentimes a lot
of funeral homes will cremate for free so
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[kara]: that's definitely something to reach out with
for us we
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: we did not get heads up about
that so
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: all
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: i know is that i wanted to
make sure that i did save our babies
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[kara]: remains and
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: i know i wanted to do something
special but at the time all had was
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[kara]: to place our baby in a box
and we buried he or she i'm not
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[kara]: sure
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: which
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: one it was
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: outside in a backyard of my moth
is home um next
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: to a tree that we planted in
memory of my great grandmother
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: and it was very sweet at the
time of my husband and i we had
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[kara]: kind of our own little service that
we did shed some tears there together
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: and then you know buried and kind
of went on our way
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: but unfortunately my mother sold that house
and now we no longer have a place
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[kara]: to go to to visit or to
mourn or grieve on special you know anniversary
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[kara]: times and
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: things like that so it's definite something
different for every single person
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: but it's definitely a very important thing
to think about ahead of time
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[ashley_bush]: it is yeah or if you're listening
and you know maybe the person that has
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[ashley_bush]: lost their baby they just don't even
know i mean just to know the different
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[ashley_bush]: options i didn't know what to expect
my first one was a d and c
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[ashley_bush]: but the hospital they kept the remains
and then their ministry
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[kara]: yes
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[ashley_bush]: service like they co ordinated it so
you had like a remembrance day and then
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[ashley_bush]: they had the i'm drawing a blank
on the graveside where it's ther anyways and
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[ashley_bush]: then when my second one was at
home and so we didn't know what to
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[ashley_bush]: do was luckily it was the end
of the work day and my husband end
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[ashley_bush]: up calling because we had the remains
and we put we didn't know the sex
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[ashley_bush]: either and the baby was put into
it teperawaire container and we were trying to
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[ashley_bush]: figure out if something was wrong you
know i could there be a reason you
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[ashley_bush]: know we were trying to search for
any any information as to why it had
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[ashley_bush]: happened so we they did the pathology
on it and then the remains so yeah
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[ashley_bush]: that very
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[kara]: i love to hear that that hospital
does that because
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: that's very rare i would say that's
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[ashley_bush]: i am learning
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[kara]: one
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[ashley_bush]: that i am learning that it is
the more yes and they did a great
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[ashley_bush]: job yeah we would always get something
we don't we don't live in that area
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[ashley_bush]: anymore but they always it was a
beautiful job i mean not that we wanted
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[ashley_bush]: to go through it again but when
we had to go through it again i
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[ashley_bush]: mean we had we knew we had
that closure in a sense you know and
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[ashley_bush]: i will just never forget my parents
came and we stood nd we were at
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[ashley_bush]: the gray side and any time i'm
there it's in the state capital of missouri
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[ashley_bush]: i always go and visit that cemetery
and there's a big you know tombstone for
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[ashley_bush]: all the unborn babies so
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[kara]: excellest meat
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[ashley_bush]: so okay well that's yeah that's that's
yeah i just was curious i wanted to
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[ashley_bush]: ask you because everybody's got a little
bit of a different story um with that
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[ashley_bush]: so all right so tying and so
the ministry we talked about the boxes i
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[ashley_bush]: love again all of this we're going
to put the links on there and i
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[ashley_bush]: mean is there a cost if somebody's
on they're like oh my gosh i love
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[ashley_bush]: this unfortunately my friend my sister cousin
somebody's going through this where do they go
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[ashley_bush]: what do they do
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[kara]: so just on our website there is
a request care package kind of tab on
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[kara]: there that you can go request the
car package completely free no charge but obviously
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[kara]: we do have kind of like a
donation button
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[ashley_bush]: ah
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[kara]: there so if you would like to
contribute to the cause then you can definitely
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[kara]: send in a donation through that link
right now shipping costs for just one box
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[kara]: is almost ten dollars
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: and that doesn't include the cost of
any of the items within the box so
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[kara]: right now our care packages can range
anywhere from about twenty five to forty dollars
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[kara]: pending on which items we've had donated
at the time we get a lot of
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[kara]: items donated from our local community
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: which is extremely helpful and helps cut
down costs but some things we still kind
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[kara]: of purchase
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[ashley_bush]: sure okay and what was the big
reason why you wanted to start start this
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[ashley_bush]: organization or heart to line
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[kara]: so when after you know we experience
and i was still grieving
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: at the time i kind of was
like why you know why why did this
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[kara]: happen to me and i'm trying to
figure out things a figure out you know
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[kara]: what the bible says about you losing
your baby what is what does god say
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[kara]: about that and then i talked with
my midwife and you know she kind of
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[kara]: informed me that one and four our
pregnancies and then the loss and i was
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[kara]: just flabbergaced by that number like that
is a huge number
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: and during our loss there were not
a lot of resources at all
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[ashley_bush]: my
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[kara]: midwife was like there's some blogs written
about people's stories that you can go read
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[kara]: there's a couple of books out there
but there's really nothing
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: so i did a lot of praying
and a lot searching and i just kind
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[kara]: of felt that god called me to
work in that area and to help make
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[kara]: a difference
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: try to help and some comfort to
ladies kind of like how god comforted me
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: and also to connect them with resources
since then there have been some organization it's
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[kara]: popping up across the country with kind
of the same mission and for some of
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[kara]: the same reasons and so we've connected
with them to try to kind of bring
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[kara]: everybody together and just meet them needs
of the women that come in contact with
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[kara]: us
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[ashley_bush]: that's i love it because yeah i
mean my my first loss was twenty thirteen
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[ashley_bush]: i think twenty fifteen you're right i
mean there's really even then i mean it
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[ashley_bush]: doesn't seem like it was that long
ago there's just not a lot of resources
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[ashley_bush]: out there one other another thought i
had real quick i mean if anybody's listening
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[ashley_bush]: has a business i mean can they
just email you maybe they have something they
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[ashley_bush]: would love to donate are you guys
accepting donations if there's any comforting items that
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[ashley_bush]: somebody might have
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[kara]: definitely
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: i can also send you link we
do have a kind of like an amazon
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[kara]: wish list that
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: people can go on
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[ashley_bush]: were
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[kara]: and purchase items for us we're always
looking for dosponsorships for packages in general
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: we love partnering with businesses that can
provide a service or an item
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: that they would like to place into
our boxes some of our local families they
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[kara]: kind of they get the better end
of the deal because we have some local
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[kara]: businesses that donate like massage free massages
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: and free food different things that are
specific to our local community but
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: i would love to utilize some businesses
that serve the entire country like we do
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[ashley_bush]: yes
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[kara]: we ship to all of the united
states so far we've shipped to every single
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[kara]: state except for road island so
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[ashley_bush]: okay
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[kara]: we send them all all over the
place and businesses will definitely get plenty of
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[kara]: exposure for sure
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and or any other non profit organizations
out there that are listening that would like
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[kara]: to have their business cards or their
services that they provide placed
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[ashley_bush]: hm
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[kara]: into our care packages we do that
well
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[ashley_bush]: okay awesome that is that is good
to know because yeah i mean yeah there's
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[ashley_bush]: there's so many amazing resources and i
think it's just great that we can all
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[ashley_bush]: just come together share and especially your
service or mean more the merrier so i
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[ashley_bush]: love that so very very cool i
am just so honored that you were able
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[ashley_bush]: to come on and share all of
this with us what you're doing is just
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[ashley_bush]: it's a total gift from god and
just keep on doing what you're doing i
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[ashley_bush]: know i have told many people about
the work you're doing and i just it's
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[ashley_bush]: just so needed and we just really
appreciate it so my final final question is
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[ashley_bush]: so now we're always we're all about
the mamma's you know any moms that are
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[ashley_bush]: listening and perhaps very new on this
journey what advice do you give or what
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[ashley_bush]: would you give to a new mom
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[kara]: oh my goodness
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[ashley_bush]: oh
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[kara]: there are some many different things that
i could say but the one thing that
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[kara]: kind of always sticks out to me
is that i am consistently reminded that motherhood
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[kara]: is such a ministry
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: it's not always an easy thing by
it means and god is continuing to refine
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[kara]: me through motherhood as well i've learned
so much about myself as i'm
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[ashley_bush]: m
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[kara]: also trying to teach my children and
to raise them up the right way and
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[kara]: a beauty and truth and all of
those things so when the days are hard
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[kara]: and difficult that i'm reminded you know
what god placed me in this this path
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[kara]: he gave me my children for a
reason
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[ashley_bush]: yeah
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[kara]: and i just try to
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[ashley_bush]: a
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[kara]: shift my mind to thinking that this
is on purpose for a purpose and a
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[kara]: woogles the fruit eventually as they continue
to grow and they grow into the people
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[kara]: who god wants them to be
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[ashley_bush]: hm so good so true thank
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[kara]: m
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[ashley_bush]: you so much for being here today
again everything is going to be in the
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[ashley_bush]: show notes if you want to reach
out and learn more about what care is
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[ashley_bush]: doing in her ministry everything will be
there and again i just cannot cannot thank
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[ashley_bush]: you enough and you know as we
bring light to this very important topic and
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[ashley_bush]: just talk about it i think that's
the most important thing that we can do
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[ashley_bush]: so thank you so much for being
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[kara]: m
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[ashley_bush]: here and sharing all this with us
today
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[kara]: thank you so much for having me
i really appreciate it and i hope you
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[kara]: all have a great weekend
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[ashley_bush]: thank you you tube
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Links mentioned in this episode:
★ Learn more about Our Hearts Align here
★ Follow Our Hearts Align on FB and IG
★ The Duckling in Our Hearts: A Gentle Baby Loss Story by Kara Mangum
★Align Our Hearts: A Devotional for Pregnancy Loss by Kara Mangum
